Low Lower Point

WHEN is it done, to leave? HOW do you do?

Do you do? Or do you live with it?

Not so few good years of my life spent, lots gained and loads given. Crossroad: give more, hope for the best, or be done. End of many stories, not only mine. When will I be at my best? Or were I?

Laying low

Low point. To be tired and desillusioned and then some. Somewhat surprized that body and mind just goes on and on, without fuel or intent, it's a mechanical force that makes me stand up, make coffee, live my day. Inside though- an egg-shell, new every day, every day to be broken again.

I am evicted from the margins.

Very scared to be with someone who doesn't like me - but loves me. That makes life a struggle and pain.

Surat Thani

Early heat, waking-up heat. Always sweaty, always calm. Waiting for lists to be called, directions to be told, plastic chairs and raisin buns to go. The dust and canals smells vaguely, but so does the orchids and the pineapples. "Sa-peed boat, Koh Phangaan!" "Ferry boat, Samuii!!" We walk, sandals flopping, backpacks tightly on our bodies, new water bottle! The ocean, the ocean, the ocean, wind at last, stay in the shadow, close eyes for a while but lean on the bag. Blinding light, a promised land for the invasive.
My love, see the palm trees, the water is a bright green now, we walk onto the beach. An image of freedom, of being released.

Honestly.

I almost wrote "to be left drifting". As if I had nothing to do with it. To hand out blows is far easier than picking up the own pieces, although leaving them only sets me back. Give me, give me, I am jealous! I don't want to struggle (with nothing) and sit down in a puddle of pity. Just a piece, only a small encouragement, to make me float and aim again. There! I resorted to begging.
Take it, make it, my strength is to do. Do to gain.

DAMN you...

To be honest, you excel in beeing the worst, lowest, oh-so-pitiful person ever. In your own opinion, of course, and every bit of criticism sets you off in a spiral of poor-me-for-ever. HEY!! Do over and do right!! God...

Asswan

5.30 am, long shadows, sunrise heat. Tired, shivering, sandals on bare feet. To walk around a mountain along with quiet others, drinking water and trying to wake up after a night on a bus, is a half-hearted experience. The desert heat lurking, but the orange yellow light is fabulous. A few more yards, to see what is beyond the ridge, the sun already pointing towards it- we turn - the sky above a light blue huge bowl, before us- Abu Simbel.

Quiet.

I saw the news today, oh boy...

Oh wow. Years have past and tons of waters under the bridges and yet- distruction, fear and sadness emerge due to a shortmessage over internet. And I sent it! Everyone wants to leave a mark in history but this was to scratch open a wound on someone. I had to, though- I crossed circles and choosed between staying hidden or show up. The latter it was. And it took me, once again, as it did eleven years ago, and her. Right? Wrong? Time will tell.

Unexpected but not unbelievable. Love and its surroundings, echoes cling forever. An old affair, closed and over with, and I wasn't sure that I wanted to know the impact I had. But now I do.

Well, we're all happy now! (?)

Brooklyn

Old apartment, young inhibitants. Futon bed and metal chairs, early march, snow in the air. During night time the window was slightly opened- lying awake and listen to the New York sounds in the dark. Police cars, planes, subway, streetwalkers, music- and the city sort of breathing with a vibrating murmur. Going on around me.

To open up a can of...

There has been a number of cans recently. Not all bad, not all good, but they all made huge impacts. Some:

E- my everything, my reason.
P- my way of living, my conviction.
F- my everlasting bad conscience, my obstacle to force.
CB- my strength, my surprise.

See, a few years in short. It took me a while and there is so much more to it, and one of them will never be mentioned again, but anyway... And it is actually going to be just great to review some of it, as well as adding the new.